A long time ago, when I was a young girl, I dreamed about living somewhere where it was sunny and warm and where there was water; lake/sea/ocean, it didn't matter. I never liked the cold darkness of the Swedish winters, and as I grew older I started to sink more into depression every winter. But, as with my dream of writing, it wasn't realistic and it soon became a neatly tucked away dream.
6 and a half years ago my dad got sick, with no hope of survival. He was diagnosed with kidney cancer that had spread more or less everywhere in his gut area. We got 2 months and a week after first diagnosis. It was hard, of course, but we made the most of that time. We made sure to say the things that needed to be said. He went peacefully with myself and my sister by his side, holding his hands.
When he was diagnosed I had just moved in with my boyfriend at the time, and his mother was also fighting cancer. And so, 19 days after my dad died, my boyfriend's mother passed too. It was 2 days after my dad's funeral, and of course things where extremely tough on all of us. In the midst of all this, I ended up having a huge, heartbreaking disagreement with someone very close to me, with the result that I lost yet another very important person in life.
Three months after my dad died my boyfriend and I broke up. And I was completely, and utterly, heartbroken. I just wanted to die, That was 3 of the most important men in my life that I had lost in as many months. Breathing hurt. Being awake was agony. It was a Sunday when my boyfriend and I broke up. I spent the Monday crying and sleeping, with friends keeping me company so I wouldn't do anything stupid, and I woke up Tuesday morning with the idea that now was the time to move away. For Real!
I didn't have many things in my possession, most I had already gotten rid of, and most of what I did own were things after my dad. My son had his own life, with his own place and I knew he wasn't going to hang around in our little town longer than necessary anyway. I had some insurance money after my dad. I didn't have a job, and I had to find somewhere to live. It was now or never! I didn't have the strength to resist my dream anymore.
But, where should I go? I had only been abroad once, to Turkey, and lovely as it was I knew I didn't want to live there. I started searching travel agencies just to get a feeling for something. An old friend pop up on Facebook, and I remembered that he now lived in Spain, but I had no idea where in Spain. It turned out that he lived in a town called Fuengirola on the Costa del Sol. Perfect!!
The following day, on the Wednesday, I booked my one way flight. On the Sunday I took two big bags and one small bag and I took the train to Arlanda Airport. I landed at Malaga Airport at 22.54 that very evening. March 1st 2009.
I know today that it was my dad that gave me the courage to do it! During his last months he taught me that life is short and you never know how long you will have. Make sure to be happy, follow your dreams, make your own life. So I owe my happiness today to my dad!
The person I had the huge disagreement with was not an active part of my life for 5 years, but we are now reconnected which makes me very happy.
Sometimes life takes a different turn to what you expected, you will get the opportunity to take a side road to something unknown, And that is ok. Actually, in my experiences those are the best times of your life as long as you follow your heart's desire. Those are the moments that will take you to higher grounds. Everything Will Be OK. Always. If you follow your heart's desire.
I live every day of my life honouring my dad. I make sure to find happiness in everything I do, every day. It might not always be obvious, or easy, but it's my way of making sense of his death.
With this in mind, today's video/song choice was an easy one. My dad introduced me to this song once upon a time, and I loved it so much that he got tired of me playing it over and over. It always makes me feel close to him, and the lyrics are quite fitting too, don't you think?
Love//
Carina
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